4:14.

My daughter was crying and complaining about an itchy rash on her legs.  I picked her up and carried her through a field of tall grass.  At the bottom my HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND was waiting in a van parked by the side of the road. We reached the van and tumbled inside, it was warm and comfortable.  But my daughter suddenly turned into a cat and tried to jump out the half opened front window.

I woke with a raging headache to the sounds of truck noise on the highway and fumbled around in the dark for a bottle of Excedrin.  I was quiet, trying to not wake my husband, but after ten seconds stealth mode became bitch mode and I let out a loud "FUCK".  Husband later admitted that he was already awake because of the back up beeps of heavy equipment over in the sledding hill parking lot.  I medicated myself and got back into bed, cradling my head in the softest pillow I could find.  But it was no good.  Solid sleep never again arrived and I finally officially got up around 6 am.  

I was annoyed, filled with a sense of fleeting anxiety over my daughter . She is not 4, not small enough for me to carry.  She is 19 and at that time of day she was in fact nestled into her own bed, an hour away, probably with her cat.  I was annoyed at the truck noise, a constant here in our home, in the mountains yet far too close to the highway which brings us here.  I was in fact mostly annoyed at not getting to spend more time in the van with my HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND.  It was warm, filled with golden light and a sense of peace.  Why am I thinking about HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND?  Jesse.  That's right, I've watched too many episodes of Breaking Bad and "Jesse" is strikingly a dead ringer for HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND.   

Later that day I was able to get back on track and exercise my way out of a hole I was digging in my head. There has been too much ice around to run so I have looked for alternatives.   Back in "the day" I spent a lot of time mountain biking and cycling and still have all my gear.  The wind trainer has been set up in the garage and I surpassed my goal of riding it for 30 mins. by nearly doubling that.  The first 20 mins were torture, I kept looking at my watch every 4 mins or so but in the end I rode that beast for 52 minutes!  How was it possible?  Getting in the zone, you know, you have been there, reach a certain threshold and it just happens.  It also was made possible by Guns N Roses, Black Flag and Blind Melon.  A hearty THANKS to them all.

You Could Be Mine,  Nervous Breakdown, No Rain

I followed up the garage workout with a walk to the new coffee shop.  I was desperate for coffee, but had no vehicle as my son's car broke down New Year's Eve and I had let him take my truck back to school.  The walk was  nearly 3 miles on an icy road, uphill.  It took me 49 mins.  Do the math on that and you probably imagine that I was crawling my way up the hill.  It sounds much lamer than it was, honestly.  The coffee was terrific.   

If you have read this far, thank you!  I usually see a blog with this many words and my eyes glaze over while I scroll through looking for pretty pictures.  Well, here are two from this day, January 6, 2015

That's right, the ski area, CLOSED in January

Our snow season continues to be fairly poor, complete shit.  What can you do?  Make sacrifices to the snow gods maybe, travel to another mountain, bitch and moan with the other locals, it all works.  

One last thing....my BFF, who also has watched Breaking Bad for hours at a time in many a netflix marathon, confessed to me that she had a dream:  She was Walt, Mr. White.  And she was fucking Jesse.   

Pray for snow!